University is an arduous, tumultuous, voluptuous, rapturous, couscous of a time. The only way to get through your first month is to step back, take a deep breath, and accept some of the embarrassing stuff you’re going to do. Or, as it may be, your parents will do to you. Here’s a few interactions that are bound to happen:
- Cry when you’re dropped off at university, almost certainly in your kitchen, definitely in-front of your one cute flatmate. No cool guy persona for you.
- They will wither turn your old bedroom into a childhood shrine – you may need the complete set of Transformers action figures and your collection of common Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards. Or seven minutes after you have left it will be claimed by a sibling, and you shall never return.
- Your parents will order you a Tesco delivery entirely of fruit, alongside a twenty minute lecture on the dangers of scurvy. This will only stop once you promise to eat half your bodyweight in cherries, every day.
- “When I was at university…” This will either lead to a conversation about how much they drank and how hard they partied, while you spend Fresher’s Week getting your Paladin to level 90, or they’ll talk to you about their studies as you plough into day six of midmorning drinking.
- “Are you still alive?” “Oh, so you can answer your phone then?!”
- Call you at an inappropriate time: You’re about to run through campus wearing only a first edition of Shelley’s Sonnets for your poetry society initiation?!
- Send you a party box of Durex – optimism is everything, after all.
- Send you a box of Kleenex – they know you a bit too well.
- “So, is your room tidy?” “Of course”, you answer, as the never ending pile of dirty clothes mounts an assault on the beer can fortress.
10. Suddenly, you’re meant to care about the intricacies of your extended family: Aunt Irma’s irritable bowel syndrome has never been less interesting, or discussed in such depth.
11. They will redirect an entire day’s shipment of First Aid Africa cans and rice into your student halls kitchen, “For Emergencies”.
12. Ring you at 8 a.m. and be surprised that you’re not awake. Or sober.
13. If they miss a call from you, they’ll think you’ve been kidnapped, and your mother will call you back every fifteen minutes until you pick up.