Brunel’s Artaud building has been cordoned off; Arts@Artaud goes horrifically wrong; students trapped in the radio studio broadcasting demands for help; RAF Northholt scrambles its Rapid Deployment Blimp(RPB); SU President Missing, presumed dead.
After a night of entertainment and revelry at the Antonin Artaud Building for its termly, much loved Arts@Artaud event, the excitement of student band Lupacante’s funky sounds got too much for one group of students, who really let their hair down as they began eating the brains of fellow revellers in the moshpit. Lupacante’s flautist, Georgia Cooke, tells us more:
“We were having a great gig, and we’d just started playing Cantina band for the seventeenth time of the set - Same song! Same song! – when suddenly the dance floor was awash with blood. I was devastated! The shock of seeing a fresher having his brain munched on made me play a flat note, and I’m really having trouble living with myself”.
However the event wasn’t isolated to the Arts@Artaud dance floor and it seemed like the victims of the ‘Nibblers’, as they’re now being called across campus, came back to life with a hunger only human tid-bits can satisfy. The Artaud building is currently under lock and key, with a crack team of Zombie experts being rounded up from Uxbridge’s local bars.
Adam Philpot, UBS Nightlife manager, had this to say:
“Of course we have an action plan to deal with this type of event for Academy – what self-respecting night club wouldn’t be prepared for a Nibbler epidemic? – but that plan of action simply isn’t appropriate for the twisted corridors and maze-like staircases of the Artaud building. My lions are carefully trained to work in the furniture-less, bland square of Academy, not the eccentrically inclined corridors of an Arts building.”
Students have told Le Nurb of Anti-Nibbler teams in large, heavily padded costumes, rumoured to be dubbed ‘The Burners’, but they were last spotted by a haggard, gently bleeding independent media reporter boarding a white transit van heading towards Liquid along with the Men’s Football and Ladies Hockey teams.
Broadcasting from inside the Studio, Radio Brunel’s Luke Vogel and Ellis Davies, Technician, have bludgeoned three of the Nibblers with the studio's hilariously oversized lava lamp. According to their broadcast, the three Nibblers in question were busy taking a selfie, and were caught unaware by the Radio Brunel presenters. Ellis and Luke are now playing what they believe to be cutting-edge ironic music over the immensely popular Radio Brunel. Radio Brunel’s legions of listeners have already been treated to classic hits such as “Your Brains”, “Thriller” and “Monster Mash”. While they are feeling very pleased with their use of irony, they also have no water, food, or hope of escape.
Andrew, Artaud Building manager, had this to say:
“To be perfectly honest, it’s pretty standard behaviour for the Artaud building. Eccentricity is to be expected when you have a large collection of artsy students attempting to demonstrate their creativity in such a condensed space.”
He refused to comment on the fact that he was safely outside having a cheeky smoke when the moshpit went awry, and has petitioned Bill Leahy, Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic) to allow him a to train his own team of Anti-Nibbler lions for the Artaud Building.
Opposing these Anti-Nibbler Views is Olive Barton, Brunel’s Equality and Diversity Chair, who has welcomed these Nibblers with open, slightly sprained arms, and is putting a motion to student assembly for a zero discrimination policy towards these rabid, brain-munching students.
Regardless of whether they're going to eat our brains or give us a cold, moist cuddle, Le Nurb is excited to see what the Nibblers can bring to Brunel campus life and reminds all Nibblers that Le Nurb is open to contributions from the new students. Video Brunel has also pointed out that due to the lack of breathing or blood flow, Nibblers have the potential to make very stable camera operators. Radio Brunel Station Manager has declined comment, and is currently playing “Die Another Day” for the seventh time, giggling at how clever he feels.
In a shameless plug to a future news story, we at Le Nurb are going to use this space at the bottom of the article to talk about click-bait orientated piece we're writing. James Hughes, Student Activities Development Coordinator, was meditating on his desk listening to Instrumental Hour when the nibblers broke into the radio Studio, and distinctly heard a Welsh voice proclaim "Oh b*gger". Hughes has released an email saying:
Regardless of the circumstances, the breaking of watershed on Radio Brunel requires disciplinary action, and we at the Union will be having stern words with the Radio Committee members, should they survive their current situation.