By Robert Pennington
Ah, third year. An amazing experience you’ll never forget. That tangled mix of notes, essays and forlorn hope knowing after it ends, your life will never be quite as good again. Of energy drink cans and coffee cups piling up the corner of your room. Of long nights in the library writing essays and the stinging pain as the computers are switched off before you’ve had time to save it. I can almost taste the tears running down my face now, mmm, salty. However you young’ns needn’t go it alone, with these helpful tips, your final year at Brunel will fly by effortlessly and painlessly.
All right, here we go!
In your final year, you must make sure to absolutely get involved with every other non-academic interest you have on the fly. A member of a society? Run for President! It’ll look just as good on your CV as that BA ever will. Trust me! Even the ones you just joined because you were pressured at Fresher’s Fayre but never got around to actually going to? Well this’ll be your last chance, don’t regret it! You’ve got a whole week to get your dissertation in, you might never get to try fencing or skydiving again! You could even try writing for Le Nurb!
Have an exam tomorrow morning and felt like you haven’t done enough revision? Fear not! Why not get in the productive mood by sorting out all the dirty dishes or finally getting around to hoovering the carpet and making your bed? Remember, a tidy room is a tidy mind.
Go to the pub! There are many fine pubs around Uxbridge and they’ll all be more than willing to accommodate you through this most special time. You might meet a friend there and distract each other with stunted conversation whilst your mind is on other things entirely, but fear not! By the fourth pint that essay will seem as good as done. Or you might even make a new friend. You see that guy half asleep on the Wetherspoon’s bar? He never got a degree and look how good his life is! Douglas Adams once said “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” Well, with our friend alcohol you won’t even have to be conscious for that. And if you’re not one for passing out just remember Charles Bukowski wrote six novels whilst absolutely smashed. How hard does that essay on the causes of World War 1 or that assignment on monetary control seem now?
If that doesn’t help, you could always try taking up smoking. It’s bound to take the edge away, plus, it gives you a great hobby to do in those few minute gaps between flicking heartlessly through the chapters of your text book. Waiting in anticipation for those next few throat burning, artery furring puffs in the wind outside John Crank will see those pages turn faster than your housemate’s milk. Why not try rollies, for that extra hint of habitualisation and added dexterity bonus? Once you start you’ll wonder how you ever managed without them.
Get ready for the best year of your life kids. Remember as well, if you hand it in late you’ll just have the grade capped and, well, you weren’t going to get an A for it anyway, were you?
Good luck and God bless! See you on the other side!