It’s a well-known fact that students have a lot of sex. It pretty much defines the stereotype – we live on tax payer’s money, do no work, doss around for three years drinking, clubbing and, ceaselessly, sexing each other up. Then get a piece of paper with “It’s A Real Degree, Honest!” written on it and are thrust into the world.

Sure, that’s the stereotype, but what if you’re not fulfilling it? We at Le Nurb have all been there – so desperate for human contact that we’ve done the length of the Piccadilly line in rush hour, just to be near a builder’s armpit.  So that you never have to undergo the indignities suffered by our editorial team, we’ve put together a sure-fire list of ways to get you that little special bit of something-something.

  1. Build a Nest. It’s a tried and tested method, and has guaranteed the enthusiastic copulation in every creature from seagulls to dodos. Gather up some sticks, craft a cubby hole and watch the potential partners fight over you. For extra points, incorporate some shiny things. Broken CD’s or diamonds, totally up to you.
  2. Pheromones! The sense of smell is…well, I don’t know where it stands on a list of sexy-senses, but don’t ignore it! If you don’t naturally put out a “Come Ravage Me” scent, we’ve found that raiding a sports team’s locker room laundry basket can guarantee you a truly animalistic odour. Yummy!
  3. Claim a Territory. Everyone’s been kept up at some point by fighting tomcats, usually outside your bedroom window before your 5am shift starts. Take a leaf out of their book, and prowl your halls kitchen, defending it to the death from any and all invaders. Peeing on things is optional, but actively encouraged.  Security will understand.
  4. Develop your brooding potential. As every angsty teenage artist knows, pain is sexy. Deep, emotional, eyeliner wearing turmoil is the fittest thing out there. Combine it with some poetry and you’ll have to fight off the prospective partners with a large stick. Want some evidence? Join Poetry society, the only society on campus who have been thrown out of Artuad for spontaneously creating an unintentional bacchanalian orgy.
  5. Buy some new pants. Even if this doesn’t work, it has been scientifically proven by men in lab coats that it’s impossible to have a bad day when you’re wearing new underwear. Some of the most successful people in the world – Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Queen Elizabeth II – never wear the same pants twice.
  6. Learn a lot of puns. It’s simple biology: you can’t become a Dad without getting laid at least once – Ipso Sexo, Dad jokes are the ultimate pulling technique. Ladies, unleash the inner Dad.
  7. Hold a guitar. You don’t even need to play it. Just hold it and wait patiently.
  8. Just go write your Disso. Give up trying, and go to the library to do some work. You’re almost certain to find someone on the third floor, as desperate for momentary escape from the impending doom of deadlines as you are.  The librarians do it all the time, just stay quiet!